“There’s better days shining through….”

August 11th 2005, 1120B

According to Bruce Springsteen, at least.

Yesterday was not a good day at all though, not even close. My sense of humour & happy thoughts have really not been at their best lately. Partly it’s because the last few months have had their ups & downs, but it’s also because the anti-malaria tabs I’m taking have some wicked side effects, including insomnia and emotional disturbances. I’ve been averaging about 4 hours sleep a night for awhile now, and I’ve been experiencing some pretty nasty bouts of depression & anger. The depression has been getting progressively worse so I got the doc to prescribe me some sleeping tablets while I was at the HQ yesterday, & last night I had the best nights’ sleep I’ve had in weeks. I’m feeling a lot better this morning, & have regained enough of my equilibrium to obtain at least some perspective about how yesterday turned out. But yesterday is one of the worst days I’ve had in a very long time. I’m not going to go into detail, other than to say that I read something yesterday, something that caused me a very great deal of hurt and anger, and opened my eyes to an unpleasant truth. I’m also not really going to try to describe how I felt either, because I don’t know that I can. Let’s just say I was as miserable and furious as I can remember having been for a very long time, and leave it at that.
A certain part of how I felt can be attributed to the side effects of the mefliam, and I likely wouldn’t have found myself in such a dark hole yesterday if I wasn’t taking them. But what I read yesterday would have been painful enough, even in the absence of anything to contribute towards making it worse.
I actually sat here for about 4 hours yesterday, pouring out bitter and angry words, demanding answers to questions nobody reading this would likely be able to answer. When I’d finished I went looking to make the world go very blurry, but I couldn’t find anything to drink so I took an immovaine instead and went to sleep. By far the better plan of the two, in all honesty.
And sleep I did, for a good 7 hours. This morning I woke up feeling far better, far more stable, and much more rational than I had been when I went to bed. Still a long way from good, but better. I read through what I’d typed up last night, and decided to delete it, even if it was a fairly true reflection of my mental state at the time. Sitting down and typing it likely had something of a cathartic effect, which is all to the good, but it was a little raw for public consumption.

I think I’ve spoken enough of how shit yesterday was though. Where to from here then? That I have been wronged is without question, but what should I do about it? I could claim my satisfaction, but I really doubt that it’d be worth the price. I do know that forgiving will not be easy, and forgetting likely impossible, but I at least have time to consider how I’m going to deal with this. In all probability I will do nothing, and be content with having learned the truth that makes lies of so much I was told. There are few things more pointless than holding onto anger, than seeking to punish. What useful purpose does it serve, really? The deed has already been done, and all the apologies in the world, no matter how sincere can turn back time.
I think I’d be better served by washing my hands of the whole sorry affair, and moving on. The most profitable first step in that would be dealing with the general depression I’ve been experiencing these last few months. I have to take the mefliam unfortunately, as it’s pretty much the only effective anti-malarial available to me here. Larium has similar, if not worse, side effects, and I took doxycycline for too long last year for it to be effective so soon again. I want to lose a little weight while I’m here, but I’d prefer it not be because I’ve had the malaria sweats for a week. So I’ll just have to take the mefliam and do what I can to minimise the side effects.
Sleeping better will go a very long way towards stabilising my moods, as I’ve always been a sulky bastard when tired. I’ll take the immovaine for a few days, and see if that doesn’t re-establish a regular sleeping pattern. If it does I’ll stop taking them, but I’ll keep what I have in case I start having trouble sleeping again.
If the depression continues regardless, then I may just have a problem. The next step would be to consider a mild anti-depressant, but it would be only prudent to sit down with the psychologist before bringing on the happy pills, just to make sure it really is only the mefliam giving me the blues, and that there’s not a genuine underlying depression there that I’ve managed to ignore.

One thing I do know is that I am sick and tired of being miserable so much of the time. I may be having a much better day today than I did yesterday, but that doesn’t actually mean that today has been a good day either.
I’m so fucking happy right now I could just dance the fucking can-can, so I’d appreciate it if you could bring on those “better days”, Bruce.

I could certainly use a few right now.